Hello, Kimmy.
Careful! My name is library!
I'm taking Mandarin this semester.
Was that anything?
I'm glad you brought up your classwork.
I wanted to update you on your academic probation.
Hold up. I'm on the baysh?
You've been on the baysh for a month!
Coach Tannen should have told you.
So what does this mean?
Do I have to repeat a grade?
Dina Camillo did that in third grade, and she was cool.
When she got her period,
everyone was like, "Wow,
there is a woman in this class!"
If you fail the semester, you will have to leave Columbia.
And don't tell Coach Tannen to come in here to push me around,
because I know a good hiding place and I've got a sandwich in my pocket.
Wait. I've got a big chemistry lab tomorrow.
To pass the semester, what do I have to get?
One hundred percent.
Out of what?
sync and corrections by Mr. C www.addic7ed.com
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ But females are strong as hell ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
♪ It's a miracle ♪
♪ Unbreakable ♪
♪ They alive, damn it ♪
That's gonna be, uh...
you know, a fascinating transition.
♪ Damn it ♪
Hmm.
Lost a little weight...
Gypsy curse, or trying to drop the chunk before you come back to me?
Same construction hat four days in a row.
Obviously in a funk.
♪ I love boobs and California ♪
♪ Sand and California... ♪
That's moi!
♪ And my 'Stang and California ♪
- ♪ I love dogs and California... ♪ - Sir!
Or... bro.
How does your car know that song?
Tasty, right?
I just searched "Cowabunga Lifestyle" on Spotify.
Got to bounce, bro. This guy's late for his grandma's fizz-uneral!
Whoo!
Six point oh-two times ten to the 23rd power equals...
One mole?
If you get stuck, try "Tallahassee."
Most test answers are Tallahassee.
Thanks, Ms. White.
Uh, you can print out your résumé whenever you're ready.
I'm still tweaking it.
How does this sound?
NetJets Air Mistress, 2000 to 2005.
And then there's a 12-year gap.
I mean, you could say being a mom is a job, but not the way I do it!
Well, I'm proud of you.
You're finally gonna stand on your own two feet.
I'm done being a kept woman,
like Melania Trump or Mrs. Claus.
I mean, honestly, Claus, at least work out.
Why does he stay with her? He could have anyone!
I just don't know what job a 30-14-year-old
former trophy wife with no skills is even qualified to do.
I have a bunch of career aptitude tests
from when I was touring colleges.
All the jobs are on here, from architect to Zodiac Killer.
Mm, I don't know.
I took one of these in high school, and it said
I should be a guidance counselor bather.
That wasn't a real test, was it, Mr. McKinney?
It said I should be a crossing guard.
That's perfect for you.
I mean, you're basically a talking traffic cone.
Okay... this will tell me my future.
Unbelievable!
All week,
zero motorcycle accidents.
Artie is on the waiting list for a new heart.
So I got out the old police scanner.
Next biker that goes down,
I get there before the cops
with a steak knife and a bag of ice...
Wait. Why is Artie Goodman on a waiting list?
- Isn't he rich? - Oh, very.
All day long, he biddy-biddy-bums.
Well, rich people don't wait for organs.
They just give a generous donation to the hospital and cut the line.
There's a whole chapter about it in Art of the Deal.
No, Artie would never do that.
It's deplorable.
On the other hand, you take a heart off the market,
then when Giuliani needs one,
"Ooh, sorry, pal. Hope you like ferret hearts."
Something insane happened while I was accidentally
at the construction site for three hours.
Were you spying on Mikey again?
I'm watching Mikey to find the right time
to jump back into his life.
It's called "double-Dutching," and everyone loves it.
But then I heard someone playing my TaskRabbit song.
Yet another example
of white people stealing from black people.
And I'm still not over
what Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone did to jazz.
It's payback 'cause you stole Hamilton from us.
I gotta go talk to Artie!
Well, I can't just sit here
and take this terrifying career test
when my best friend
is being taken advantage of!
Let's go.
It's time, once again, for Jacqueline White
to stand up for the little guy.
Thank you. I am wittle.
Holy secret identity, Bat-President!
You did tell a lie.
You must be Gordy.
Ah! Real girl!
You owe Titus half of everything you made on "Boobs and California."
What? I haven't made anything.
Do not insult my ingellitence!
Her phone is a contuter!
That song is 49th
on Spotify's Adult Bro-temporary charts.
You've come into some cash.
A SodaStream?
A Sex Yuko still in the box?
Michael Jackson's Artist of the Millennium award,
and...
You're waist-training.
Fine. I made 30 grand.
But I don't have to give a penny of it to Titus.
The TaskRabbit contract was written
by the same lawyers who did Mrs. Claus' prenup.
Why do you think Santa stays with her?
Gordy, Gordy, Gordy...
Is the name of my band.
So?
So you have an Internet radio hit.
How are you gonna keep it going if you can't perform it live?
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ How? ♪
I did try to roll it out solo on the Today Show.
♪ But the in California ♪
♪ Are the greatest around ♪
Did you know the seventh hour of that show is just a sign-up sheet?
Gordy, you need Titus.
Hall was nothing without Oates.
Dave would be nowhere without Buster's.
Do you really think people would go to a restaurant
that's just called Dave?
All right. He gets half.
But I get final wardrobe approval.
- No. - Okay.
Okay, this kind of stuff happens to Beaker all the time,
and he's a professional scientist.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...
Zach, are you okay?
You're Kimmy.
You're in my philosophy class. You wear clothes for children.
Husky children.
I just dropped out of school.
What? You failed out?
Wow, I thought you were smart.
'Cause you're not athletic. I've seen you try to put your backpack on.
No, not failed. I've only ever failed three tests:
scoliosis, Turing, and lice.
Wait. You chose to drop out?
Yes, it might be a huge mistake.
Well, at least it was your decision.
I think they're gonna make me leave.
And I hate not being in control of my life.
My bedtime's when I say so.
I don't let some pyramid tell me what food to eat.
And I don't care what Titus says,
I put my mittens on before my jacket.
Then how do you zip or button it?
That's the price of freedom, Zach!
I'm just saying, you're in charge of your life.
And I am too.
Paw Patrol to the rescue!
That's a cartoon I quote to soothe myself.
Bye.
Kimmy?
Well, Kimmy,
you did not get an A.
Professor Dooley is pretty shaken up.
In the explosion, he saw the face of a childhood friend
who died after falling from a tree they were both climbing.
And unfortunately, you're going to have to leave Columbia...
I'm dropping out of Columbia, my choice.
I'm terribly sorry, but I said my thing first.
You know,
there are many different kinds of intelligence.
Maybe you're not book smart.
But that doesn't mean you don't have,
say, emotional intelligence.
Kimmy, we're aware that you've been through a lot.
Trigger warning, I'm about to say "bunker."
Is it okay if I say "bunker," Kimmy?
Bunker!
In light of that,
Columbia would like to present you with this honorary degree.
We ended up not giving this to Jimmy Smits
because Attack of the Clones was such a turd.
Someday, I'll laugh about all this.
No. Too soon.
But I'm never gonna cry about it.
So tell the Columbia House tapes department
to keep the party tunes coming.
♪ Biddy-biddy-bum, bum-bum-bum ♪
Hey.
There she is!
Finish packing yet?
- Bring a bathing suit. - Mm.
The best gravlax is served inside a sauna.
Hey, listen, why don't you use your money
to skip the line, get a new heart?
Because being rich doesn't make me more important
than a kid with a bad valve
or a hooker with a heart of gold.
Number one killer of Desirees.
Well, what if we get to Sweden, and this heart machine
needs a different plug?
What if you die during sex
and I'm trapped there on top of you?
Lillian, you spent 40 years stuck in the past.
Now you're torturing yourself about the future.
You don't control what time I live in.
I'm like Highlander!
All I have is now.
Be with me.
Okay, I did it.
Now buy a heart, 'cause I'm not gonna hang around
just to watch you die.
I'm not gonna buy a heart.
Uh-uh.
I can't take this kind of stress.
Dick Cheney cut the line.
Maybe I should have fallen in love with him.
We both shot people in the face,
so there's your first-date small talk right there.
Lillian,
I'm going to Scandinavia with or without you.
They have gnomes there. I'm gonna touch a gnome.
I know you are...
"'Cause I live in the future."
Have a nice life.
I'd like to open a bank account because of money.
I'll need to see a valid ID.
You take birth control pills?
Just the sugar weeks.
Ah! Look at me!
- I said look at me! - Fine.
But only if you look at me.
Last month, I was implicated in a gas station bathroom fiasco
in front of Mikey, but now I'm a $15,000-aire
with a hit song on the tubes.
This is it!
It's time to double-Dutch back in.
Maybe I'll just happen by that construction site
while enjoying a bank lollipop.
No, Titus. Not like that.
You've got money now. Flaunt a little.
You're not gonna impress anyone dressed like
Charles Barkley got tangled up in an old lady's clothesline.
Don't you have your own mess to figure out?
Or did that career test tell you to be a less-hot Don Rickles?
I don't know, Titus.
I haven't finished the test.
Because I've been so obsessed getting you back together with Mitchey.
And now we have to go shopping.
Cooking sherry?
You don't tell me how to use you!
Mm!
Well, college was a waste of time.
What do I need to learn Mandarin for?
I don't want to go to Mandar.
What I want is to help people.
And you don't need a degree for that.
I mean, look at dogs: they help the blind
and people who pretend to be nervous on planes.
They never went to Ruff-gers University
or Boston Collie or UC Bark-ley
or Marma-Duke or Corgi Mellon
or the Mutt-sachusetts Insti-cute of Technolo-dog.
You have to tell me when to stop, because I won't!
I can't stop you.
I can't control anything in this life.
It's all just random and terrible.
Mm!
- Ow! - See?
Random. Terrible.
Wrong.
That test told me I should be a crossing guard.
How un-random is that?
And crossing guards do real good in the real world.
Getting kids safely to school, calling drivers "pal,"
and, oh, the whistle blowing!
I'm gonna go down to the police station
and I'm gonna apply to be a crossing guard right now.
Who puts their mittens on first?
Worth it.
♪ I love bikes and California ♪
♪ Workin' out and California ♪
♪ But the boobs in California ♪
♪ Are the greatest boobs around ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ Are the greatest boobs around ♪
♪ Oh-oh, oh-oh ♪
♪ The greatest boobs are in California ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
Titus?
Michael?
What are the odds?
I was just walking my definitely not-rented peacock,
Debra Winger.
Aptly named because she is difficult.
You're so fancy.
Like a chandelier in Beauty and the Beast.
Hey, Mikey.
- Ready to hit it? - Yeah.
Oh, uh, Andrew,
this is Titus.
Titus, this is Andrew.
Where are my manners? I'm Mikey Politano.
Weird, you look just like that guy
Mikey was going upstate with.
But all white guys look the same to me,
which is why I have no clue
why the movie Twins is funny.
Nah, this is the same guy.
It's actually our three-month anniversary.
Wow. Three sugar weeks.
Well, good for you.
I am very serious with my boyfriend.
He is an international basketball man.
We've been to condominiums and such.
Titus. We've got to get to the blimp.
Gayle and Oprah are flying us out
for lunch with Kim and Kanye and Tom and Gisele.
And... Jackée.
Yeah.
We should head out too, babe.
Oh, yeah.
We're going on a Mets opening day party cruise.
Three hours cruising from Flushing Bay to Citi Field.
It's gonna be epic!
Mr. Met meet and greet. DJ Fingablast is spinning.
We were calling WFAN for weeks trying to win tickets,
but luckily, Andrew's got unlimited minutes.
Unlimited?
Well, good for you.
For both of you.
That's so funny that you'll be on the Mets cruise,
because Titus is performing at that event.
So I guess we'll see you there.
The peacock is our gift to you.
I-I have too many.
- Hello, Officer. I'm... - Hold on.
Posting a picture of my sloppy joe.
Four likes!
- What do you want? - I want to be a crossing guard.
Well, you're gonna have to pass the test.
- Follow me. - Oh, boy.
I'm not great at tests.
Supposably, I have emotional intelligence...
Oh!
Taye Diggs liked my joe!
He was in Rent, I think, right?
"Touch the picture of a car."
It's either a car
or a Transformer.
Don't overthink it.
"Touch the arrow pointing left."
"Which is most dangerous to pedestrians?
A, moving cars, B, parked cars,
C, boats, D, Tallahassee?"
Question 1,000: "I want to be a Crossing Guard to...
A, be the boss of cars,
B, disappoint my parents,
C, meet potential lovers,
D, help people be safe."
Oh, I don't know... psych!
One hundred percent! Out of what?
Wow.
You two are the only ones who've ever gotten a perfect score.
Us two?
It is on.
Here's how we handle DJ Fingablast.
Men always want what they can't have.
Cuban cigars, a watchable Superman movie.
Just act like you don't want the gig.
I don't.
That's perfect.
Jacqueline!
What a surprise!
Doug...
my dog masseuse turned turntables turner.
- How are things? - Not good.
My beats were diagnosed with renal failure
because they are sick!
Wonderful.
Oh, this is my friend Titus.
Maybe if you get a little bigger, he could play one of your shows.
He's got a ton of heat on him.
That's why he's so sweaty.
Toight.
How about a little sample?
Samples are my religion,
even though I was raised Mennonite, yo!
Not interested, Mr. Blast.
Titus, listen.
I've got a hot slot in the schedule before Keith Hernandez tries stand-up...
Jacqueline, can we go?
Oh.
Oh, I've got to take this.
It's the Giants' off-season party bus.
No! I want Titus!
Whatever he normally gets, I'll pay double.
No, thanks.
Finga, could you give us a moment?
You can stop now. He wants you.
No, I'm seriously not playing this boat.
My grand re-debut to Mikey was like
Simone Biles trying to ride a roller coaster
after the park closed.
Too little, too late.
Okay, you took a hit.
But when is quitting ever the answer?
Heroin. Cigarettes. A jigsaw puzzle.
You already got the picture on the box, bitch.
You just need a comeback.
If Steve Harvey had given up, do you think
he'd be the host of Little Stinkers or whatever?
This stage is your chance.
Up here, you'll be something that Andrew could never be:
a star.
And Mikey will be putty in your hands.
Sticky and with a backwards Garfield on him?
Just drink your go-go juice.
You got a show to do.
♪ When Kimmy was touring colleges ♪
♪ They gave this out for free ♪
♪ A staple-bound pamphlet With a test inside ♪
♪ To tell you what you should be ♪
♪ Oh, Lord, to tell you What you should be ♪
♪ ♪
♪ She added up her answers ♪
♪ And then she laughed so hard ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Not only did Kimmy score a 69 ♪
♪ That meant she'd be a crossing guard Oh, fool ♪
♪ That meant she'd be a crossing guard ♪
♪ So Kimmy told the captain ♪
♪ "Oh, Kimmy ain't no delicate miss ♪
♪ And before I'll let ol' Yuko Break me down ♪
♪ I'll die with a stop sign in my fist ♪
♪ Golly, I'll die with a stop sign In my fist" ♪
Final scenario.
A truck is coming right at you.
But its brakes have failed.
If it goes to the right, it runs over five little kids.
If it goes to the left, it runs over a businessman.
Which way do you send the truck to go?
It's the trolley problem.
I'm gonna take a half a point off.
I just said truck.
It's... You're up first.
This is obvious.
Utilitarianism.
Kill one to save many.
For now.
Yeah, but that's just in a book.
These are real cardboard people.
That businessman could be somebody's mom.
It's been an honor.
She saved... everybody.
Taye Diggs is gonna love this.
May I?
Flag on the play.
We had to run a standard background check.
You aren't currently married
to a registered sex offender in Indiana, are you?
Well, yes, technically, but only to help Wendy.
Sorry.
We can't have you around schools or ducklings.
♪ Famous, I so famous ♪
♪ Big cats, big cars, big words So famous ♪
♪ That's why this tramp stamp Is still damp ♪
♪ Champ ♪
That was for the troops.
Last looks.
Coming to the stage, a band so new, they're not even
on Wiki-wiki-pedia!
Gordy! Gordi! Gordee! Feat. Titus!
♪ Lovin' California ♪
♪ Livin' left coast time ♪
♪ I don't need to warn ya ♪
♪ The babes out here are so fine ♪
No way! They play this all the time
at my gym's Cowabunga Plyometrics class.
Go, Titus!
♪ Hella rad, now here we go ♪
♪ I love boobs and California ♪
♪ Sand and California ♪
♪ Boobs and California ♪
♪ And my 'Stang and California ♪
♪ But the boobs in California ♪
♪ Are the greatest boobs around ♪
♪ No, no ♪
No! No!
No, no, no, no, no! Stop it, Mikey!
Mikey Michael Politano, stop it!
That's Gabba-gross!
I can't watch you do that
and pretend I'm cool with it when I'm the opposite.
I'm extremely nerd with it.
Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut.
But as our wise president once said,
"Come on, black people. What do you got to lose?"
So here goes.
All of this is for you, Mikey.
Why do you think I'm up here singing this stupid song
about women's chunky Charlies with a crazy man
who thinks Hurricane Katrina was a David Copperfield illusion?
Water doesn't melt buildings!
It's all just to impress you.
Despite appearances,
life is not going great.
My boyfriend is not an international basketball man.
He's fake news.
And I don't love boobs and California.
♪ I love ♪
♪ Mikey Politano ♪
Wow, Titus, I...
I cannot hear you, Michael!
You don't have a microphone like I do.
I don't know what to say!
Don't say anything.
But know this, meatball.
I will win you back.
It may not be today or tomorrow
or the day after tomorrow
because I have Wendy Williams tickets.
But as Gordy is my witness,
you will be mine.
I used up all my minutes for this!
When's Keith Hernandez gonna do stand-up?
Yeah!
He doesn't even care about boobs!
- Get him! - Yeah!
It's time to go, girl!
Rubbing alcohol?
You don't tell me how to use you either!
A Vidalia onion is not an apple.
When I was a kid, there was a story on the news
about a new kind of onion that was so sweet,
you could eat it like an apple.
Vidalia onions.
My mom and I thought that was so cool.
Like Willy Wonka's Gobstoppers.
So we got on her ATV, went to Kroger's,
and bought a bag of Vidalia onions.
We didn't even wait to get home.
We sat in the parking lot, and, on three,
we each took a huge bite.
And you know what they tasted like?
Fudging onions.
The world is a Vidalia onion.
It's a lie, it stinks,
and it makes you cry.
Sooner or later, you got to just stop biting onions.
What?
Hey. Hey, come on, Red.
You never give up.
You're like that bunny that keeps on going and going
'cause Meth-Head Charlie fed him Adderall.
And to be honest with you,
I was kind of counting on you to...
to see a double rainbow
or make friends with a carriage horse,
and then I would snap out of my Artie funk
and I would run to the airport, all romantic,
like O.J. in that Hertz commercial.
All I wanted was to help people,
and I can't even fudging do that.
No, no.
This isn't how it's supposed to go for either of us.
I got to go back and fix this.
I should have warned you that that's how I tend to leave boats.
It's okay. I look hotter wet.
Girl, that was scary.
And I don't even know if it worked, but I feel better.
I just think, in some ways, this was the culmination of a personal journey.
You think this whole thing was about you?
No, you're in my story, pal.
I'm the one who feels amazing!
Look what I did for you today.
I got you paid, I used my connections
to book you a gig, I handled your many tantrums...
Tie-tie gets the screamies when he's nervous.
And I loved it!
So forget this stupid test and whatever
perfect career number 89 is supposed to be for me.
I know what I'm gonna be.
I'm done sponging off of other people.
So Jacqueline White is going to be an agent.
Yes!
Hey! Where's the dean?
He's in there with Kimmy Schmidt.
What? She's not in there!
That's the last place I saw them, so that's where they must be.
I'm... I'm waiting for her.
Why? She's not into white guys.
No, I need to find her.
She helped me, and I need her help again.
You need her help.
Yeah, that was my plan all along.
Not to hammer a dean.
I'm here to do your thing.
You got cab fare?
- I have a car. - Oh!
Well, let's see how fast you can run to it.
Ah!
Come on!
Crazy drunk driver.
Kimmy!
Get in!
It's about your future.
Zach, what are you doing here?
I need your help.
That building is a sideways tugboat.
He needs your help, Kimmy.
Only you.
Now, I don't know if he's gonna be an onion or an apple,
but don't you just want to bite him?
I'm so confused, Lillian.
That's my girl.
Come!
What is this place?
Does it appear for one day every hundred years?
Don't disappear, magical office.
This is my company.
I was running it out of my dorm room,
but after I developed the soups and wet foods algorithm
for Nom Nom, some major funding came through.
That's why I quit Columbia.
Do you like it?
Do you want to work here?
You want to give me a job?
D-d-di-did I stutter? D-damn it.
But I just effed out of college.
Don't you want to hire a robot or something?
A robot can't do what you did today.
You noticed me.
You remembered my name.
You made me feel calm when my brain was hot.
Also, the dogs don't hide from you.
Fifteen employees start tomorrow,
and I don't want to talk to them.
Ever.
I need someone with your emotional intelligence.
That's a real thing?
I thought the dean was making it up so I'd feel better,
like when your mom says everything
must have fallen out of Santa's sleigh.
Oh, boy. Even I know that's this.
So what do you say?
Zach, I'm...
in!
- Get it? - It was gotten. Yes.
Hello, coworker. I'm Kimmy.
What do you do here?
Let me guess.
Bark-eting manager.
Shar Pei-roll?
C-arf-O?
Accounts retrievable?
Don't try to stop me, because I never will!
♪ When Kimmy was touring colleges ♪
♪ They gave this out for free ♪
♪ A staple-bound pamphlet With a test inside ♪
♪ To tell you what you should be ♪
♪ Oh, Lord, to tell you What you should be ♪
♪ She added up her answers ♪
♪ And then she laughed so hard ♪
♪ Not only did Kimmy score a 69 ♪
♪ That meant she'd be a crossing guard Oh, fool ♪
♪ That meant she'd be a crossing guard ♪
♪ Oh, the captain told little Kimmy ♪
♪ "I'm gonna bring me a Yuko to town ♪
♪ I'm gonna set me a Yuko Out in the street ♪
♪ She'll get those children Where they're bound ♪
♪ Well, oh, well, she'll get Those children where they're bound" ♪
♪ So Kimmy told the captain ♪
♪ "Oh, Kimmy ain't no delicate miss ♪
♪ And before I'll let ol' Yuko Break me down ♪
♪ I'll die with a stop sign in my fist ♪
♪ Golly, I'll die with a stop sign In my fist" ♪
- Good night, everybody! - Good night!